This Isn´t a Story About Love

It´s a story about caring. About a lot of caring. We could throw the word "hope," around here somewhere too.

It could also be a story about how to break up when there was nothing to be broken to begin with. It´s a story about how I´m healed and won´t tolerate anything less than I deserve. Some might think I´m being a selfish little bitch. They might be right. I prefer to think that I seriously dislike settling and being taken for granted.

It´s a story about optimism. Time does heal all wounds. And scars us with new stories, new memories and new people every single day. Because it´s its job to do so.

A girl (me) met a boy (him) a long time ago. They were never friends, but panas. Time and casual circumstance and God´s agenda put them in the same place (literally) but in a very different place (metaphorically).

He asked her out, she said yes. For a month or so, that´s what she did. He called, she picked up the phone and she went with him to lots and lots of places. And he came with her, too. Sometimes those calls came with teeny tiny butterflies in her stomach, but she chose to ignore them and blame her bad eating habits for them.

She enjoyed his company and she likes to believe that he did, too. She saw kindness and safety in his eyes. He saw comfort in hers. She tried playing hard to get, but she started feeling little things for him and she got played by this tiny thing us sentient animals have within us: memories, fright and unwillingness to let go.

She let it flow. He did too. She thought of him most days, but she was too busy to write. He was too busy thinking about him and the other her to actually write to the one that truly cared for him. She never demanded anything that wasn´t rightfully hers. She just demanded respect. And that´s what she got, every day.

One day, not too many days ago, she understood it all. There is no point in trying to make someone happy when said person is not ready to be happy. There is no point in sticking around when you are not receiving back as much as you give. Some might say, "that´s what love is all about." And here is where she reminds you, this isn´t a story about love. It´s a story about how she thought she could love someone other than herself eventually, like an actual possibility, but the other person didn´t feel he deserved to be loved by her. Or didn´t deserve love yet, period. Maybe, it was somewhere along the lines of: "she is not good enough," or something. She really doesn´t care.

She hates the word relationship. It´s too strong a word and her "affaires" are never solid enough to be called that way. So she came up with a pretty word for whatever it is that was: un-relationship.

She finally understood, that un-relationships, most of the times, really are about compromise. Negotiation skills did come in handy. He never even knew what he was giving up and she gave most of it away gladly. Because, there was no love. But there was a whole lot of deep liking.

She´s on a Quest for meaning in her life. And that un-relationship was a very good starting point for her. She finally understood timing is pretty much everything, she now knows there is nothing wrong about her and that, when she reeeeally sets her mind to it, she can have a working semi functional un-relationship.

She is proud of the fact that she comes first and that dignity is not something that she is willing to negotiate ever again. To some, "dignity" might sound like pure pride, being stubborn, and all around stupid, combined. The thing is, that she lost her dignity a long time ago and had to fight really, really hard to get it back. That´s why she values it just as much as it should be valued by everyone. It´s not a bad word. Most people she knows should use it more often.

She learned she had to pick them better. She now swears drama and complicated men out of her life. She really doesn´t want to take part in any of that, again. She learned a lot and she would like to think he learned a little, too. She´s sad he didn´t want to be fixed. Or really mad at herself because she couldn´t fix him, she hasn´t figured that part out, yet. She holds no grudge... or so she thinks.

She knows this type of thing does wonders for her creativity. She knows where all mini future plans they did will live: her heart, her memory, her imagination and this blog.

That un-relationship, is over now. Oh, you couldn´t tell? I thought the blood that splashed the screen might have clued you in. Like she said: time heals all wounds. And this is how she knows, and everyone should believe her, all is not lost.