The Great Escape

Elizabeth Gilbert went to Italy, India and Indonesia. Anna David escaped to Seville. 

I have thought about it many times. "A week in Los Roques would definitely make me focus and finish that motherfrigging novel," I have said. "If I could drink fraps and write in Starbucks I would already be published," I have lied. 

This is an excuse, obviously. I know myself enough to know I would never write more than a tweet in Los Roques or Margarita or New York. And I would find a way to blame them for it, too. 

Also, I am broke. I can´t afford to buy new books, how could I afford a week in the most expensive of Venezuelan destinations? And/or in the most expensive city of the continental US? I know my financial limitations and I know that I can´t spend money I don´t have. This is why Banesco looooves me and keeps raising my credit card limit, they just want me to trip and fall and I won´t let them, because then I would be in more trouble than I actually am. 

La otra cosa es que escaparse es, bueno, eso, escaparse. Es the easy way out and I am really glad for Anna and Elizabeth, but what I want and need is confrontation. I am actually very good at confrontation, when I care enough. And I care enough about me. I need to confront me about what is not going well and why. Why this is my fault and why things are not flowing for me. I need to know why I am so scared and why I don´t even trust my writing anymore. 

I need to get to the bottom of this, not to the bottom of clear clear Los Roques waters. I need to get to the bottom of me. Who I am, what I want, what and how to work for that. And it ain´t on the beach. Life is not about the beach, it´s about the sweat and the work. 

La mujer que voy a ser necesita que ahorita no me escape. Necesita que confíe, que escriba desde aquí, que haga todo lo que deba hacer. Tengo que verme por quien soy y por quien quiero ser. Tengo que trabajar por los eureka moments, desde donde estoy. One is not a better artist away from home. One is just scared. Don´t flee. Endure, like the women in A thousand splendid suns. Hay que ser bien osada para compararse con mujeres afganas, de verdad. I just can´t remember the word they used, era buenísima. 

Nosotras, las que estamos pelando bola, nos escapamos leyendo libros que bajamos gratis de Internet, bloggeando y comiendo. 

Ajá, pero tienes que hacer algo con lo escrito. Ok... Ok. 

I am broke, but I am free.