There are 3.090.000 Google hits about "unrequited love". There are millions then, of people, who have felt this thing I have been feeling. The most celebrated of them all, Kate Winslet in The Holiday. There is a difference between being broken hearted and being unrequited. Being broken hearted, if you are doing it right, means somebody once loved you. Being unrequited, means someone never will. Somehow, being among those millions holds no comfort for me.
I dream about him all the time. That night plays over and over in my head while I am running and dancing and taking a shower. I see his face all the time in random men, who, believe me, bear no resemblance to the man I speak of. I compulsively check my Whatsapp and every time I have no messages my heart cracks like a window. There is nothing poetic about this. There is nothing cool or uplifting or motivating about it. Knowing that you will always care and be interested because he never will, is just unfair.
This is not heart break. It is not worse but it is really painful. I know I can come back from heart ache and all that pain, but is it possible to stop semi-loving someone if you don´t really love them? Because this hope and this projections and this wants and this wishes are devastating, too. When it´s over you cry because of that, when it´s unrequited you cry because it has never happened and you are certain it never will. This is, honestly, the first time this has happened to me. I am soooo into this man. And he is not that into me. Or not as much as I want him to be.
I wish I could say he was looking for love, but I don´t know that because I had no time to ask. At least I happen to know love needs to be found, not looked for. I can´t think because I think about him all the time. It´s like I am back in high school, but I can´t justify writing his name in the margins of my notebooks because I am a dignified grown up who shouldn´t be going through this. When I said to the universe that I wanted to be madly, passionately and butterfly-ly in love, I should have stated that it should be mutual. Careful what you wish for, lesson learned. I am using non existent words like butterfly-ly. Shoot me.
Or make him call me.
"And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms."
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