Oh, well

Every day is a leap of faith. 

I now work as an acting coach for four women. One who is an actress, another one who is a TV presenter, one who is a model and the other one who is a resentful former fatgirl who hates my guts and I can tell. Three of them are good women, only one is genuinely talented as a female actor, as they would say in The Academy. 

One of the most painful moments of my career happened two weeks ago. The director of this play had an alternative to play the cover or plan B for one of the characters and it fell through. In true Hermione fashion I raised my hand and said I could do it. His exact words were: "yes, but who else could we call?" Few things have hurt me as much as that comment did. It was like the wind had spoken. Wait, at least you acknowledge the wind. The wind blows in your face and you choose to dismiss it, but you felt it. He didn't feel it. It was like a wall murmured.

It was so painful. 

With his comment he said that my talent wasn't big enough to compensate for my looks. And I wonder, are my looks that bad? Because maaaaybe I am losing it. Maybe it's me, maybe I have a fucked up perception of who I am. I see myself in the mirror and I see a pretty woman. Actually, a very pretty woman. My body has seen better times, yes. Maybe if all directors were a little less... chubby oriented? I have heard "no" so many times I am really starting to believe it. 

La vaina es que según moi, yo estoy gorda mas no soy gorda. Ella, se nota que es gorda. Yo lo que tengo es que cerrar el pico, maldita sea. No sé cómo hacer eso. 

I keep leaping and nothing happens. I keep trying to be positive and nop, I don't have it in me. I cry every day. It hurts more with each passing second because I do things that get me nowhere. I am trapped and depressed and anxious which only makes me eat more, therefore making me angrier, sadder and more anxious. 

And I am writing this on a good day. 

Cuando bailaba era más fácil saltar. El piso siempre iba a estar ahí. Nadie iba a mover el piso, si te caías te caías por tu culpa. Por perder el foco, por pensarlo mucho, por agarrar mal el impulso, por no doblar las rodillas, por no amortiguar bien, etc. Actuando, lo que hago es brincar. No hay certeza de piso, ni de compañero que te ataje, ni de director que te lance así sea un metro de hilo dental para amarrarte. I leap eeeeevery day like I'm brave, but I am not. Una caída libre que ha durado más de una década y no veo ni el suelo cerca. No quiero que me castigue la lengua, pero conseguir el piso para terminarme de estrellar a estas alturas sería hasta un alivio. Obvio, mejor sería caer sobre una camita de plumas o un trampolín brincabrinca para poder rebotar. O caer parada sobre una piscina de goma espuma. 

I have stood by my each and every one of my promises for as long as I can remember and it hasn't done me any good. God won't listen, because yes, he technically never promised anything back, but it would have been nice to be rewarded for all the things I have left behind to prove there is one thing I want more than any other. 

I am addicted to food and Scandal. Both make me cry like a bitch. 

El otro día vi a un pana de toda la vida y pensé "si se me resbala le meto." Nunca me había pensado con ninguno de mis amigos y siento que I grew a tiny penis. 

Wait, a GINORMOUS penis. 

Jijijijiji. 

I should be getting laid, that would really help. 

Una amiga tuvo un bebé y la amé demasiado cuando la conocí. Igual detesto a random children en la calle o sea que el instinto sigue dormido. Yeeeeah. Sssh, let's not wake it up. 

Las promesas que más he roto son las que me he hecho a mí. 

Daría un brazo por fumar de nuevo. Pero no puedo porque se lo prometí a Dios. FUCK THIS SHIT. IT HAS GOTTEN ME NOWHERE AND SMOKING WAS MY BEST FRIEND. 

Quiero pintarme el pelo pero me da terror que justo cuando lo haga salga alguien y que epa, acá está el papel de tu vida, ah fuck, te pintaste el pelo, ya no, besitos. 

La exgordita imbécil a la que estoy enseñando a actuar se burló de mí el otro día. Yo tengo diez días burlándome de ella y no se ha dado cuenta. Es amazing. 

No sé ser positiva. Pensé que lo era, pero nop, I am not.