You need to know

I am fine, most days. 

You need to know that I am not OK most nights. I have always found nights to be harder. Nights get lonely and depressive. Not even the moon can make me feel all right. When I cry during the day it´s because of something else. I cry because I am PMSing or on my period or because I miss Harry Potter books or because I ran out of chocolate or because I fight with my mother and she keeps rubbing my nose in who I used to be and she can´t see me for who I am. 

I also cry because most of the days I am scared and because my selfesteem is really fragile and because I miss my friends and because I don´t trust myself to become what I am meant to and because I question every artistic decision I have to make and I don´t trust my acting instincts... I am always afraid I´ll screw it over for me. I am not as confident as I used to be and I don´t know how to mend myself. I am scared shitless, most of the time. You need to know that embarrasses me. 

You need to know that I haven´t cried because of you in the daytime, that is what I am trying to say. And that is how I know you are not that important and that I will be fine. I have cried a grand total of five times for you. You need to know they were not those cries where you feel you will absolutely die, where you can´t breathe and when you feel that your heart is being pressed against your ribs because it hurts your chest to have it emptied of its contents. Nop, it hasn´t been like that. Unfortunately I am reaaaaally familliarized with that kind of crying so I just know I cried differently for you. 

I have learned the trick to not thinking about you so much is not drinking so I have toned down my drinking problem a little bit. Most weekends I stay home and read and write and waste time online so I am not tempted to write you after midnight. You need to know I loved nights and now I don´t anymore because of you. 

You need to know I miss everything I never had with you, but what I miss the most is chatting. You made me laugh so hard. I will not say I miss the sex because a lady is not supposed to talk and/or blog about that, but I really do. So, whatever. I miss the butterflies and the playing around and the uncertainty. I miss being with you. I miss having to pretend sometimes, too. 

You need to know that I can´t keep doing this. You need to know that I gave up. You need to know that the day I saw you I went up the hill for you again. And then I froze. I let you go. I could see you and then I stopped. I decided you should be where you are and I should stay where I am. I wanted to say that I wanted you back, I wanted to kiss you mid climb. I wanted to ask for another shot and then I could see you. And I am sorry for before, but I can´t do this anymore. I wanted to try again, but you need to know that I know it´s unfair. I wanted to be hopeful and win you back, but it really hurts me so... 

You need to know that I give up on you.