jueves, 12 de diciembre de 2013

And I will also stop anxiously overeating

Love is a choice.

And I choose to not love people who don´t love me back. It starts today, with this ginormous choice. You can´t force people to love you and you can´t force your love on people. I am not loved in my household so I choose to leave. I am not welcome here, it´s always been them vs. me. Well, so be it. 

I will not love anyone who doesn´t love me back. Ever again. 

I will not fall under the Unrequited Category again. I will leave in silence and I will not look back. I will miss this. I will miss my home a lot. But I don´t want to keep being an outsider. I haven´t felt I belong anywhere for such a long time and this crisis is just part of me realizing it, it´s not new I was just blind or in denial, because that is something I am really good at. We can´t have a normal relationship, because we are not dealing with normal people. 

I fought so hard to not become her, to not become this. Oh, well... Fuck my life, I did. I inherited all of the worst of her. I am so ashamed. I lost. I am hopeless. I need to abandon the rest of this. This is not the first time nor will it be the last. Turns out you can never  come home if it is not home anymore. I am not perfect, but I have been patient. Enough. No more, she will get no more from me. 

I am obviously moving to a temporary location that feels less like home but at least there is a sense of normalcy and respect and coexistence I don´t find here. I don´t have that here and I never will have it as long as they are both here and they have their thing. In this home I have always felt neglected and the least loved. Why did I think time could change that? 

I came to Caracas and NO ONE said that they wanted to celebrate my birthday, a few days later, but celebrate it still. No one. How can I not feel alone after that? How does one not feel sad? How does one not feel worthless? How do you not turn into a bitch, seriously? How do you not cry? I might have to ask the happy people. 

I am hurt. I have been nothing but loyal to those around me and I am noooot reaping what I have sown. Nop. I guess I have hurt as much as I am hurting, so it´s karma biting back. Ok. It´s ok. I will keep going. I will cry a lot because, well, it´s Christmas and it´s going to hurt but it´s better if it´s done now. Why wait? Waiting this long did nothing for you. I need to fix something within me. I keep putting my love in the wrong places, don´t I? All those crappy people I love are different, the only thing they have in common is me, so there just must be something wrong with me. They are good people, they just don´t care as much as I do. And they never will, because it´s unhealthy to care about shit and other humans this much.

Stop.  

Stand up and stop crying and unpack your bags. It´s all you can really do now. 

OK. 

1 comentario:

Mariale divagando dijo...

Lamento no tener respuesta para el 99% de lo que te cuestionas. Yo tampoco sé cómo es no sentirse sola; no sé cómo se logra que lo que duele no ya duela o que lo que importa no importe más; no sé cómo se logra no llorar, no tomo crédito por eso puesto que si yo no lloro es porque no puedo y no porque no quiera. No tengo respuestas and I'm sorry.

Pero puedo responder una de tus preguntas, digamos sin calcular mucho que el 1%. "How does one not feel worthless?", that one is easy: You just don't feel worthless because you're not.

¡Oh, Mariale, qué genio, Captain Obvious y tú!

Pero no, I mean it, Nina. ¡La caraja que escribe este blog es una pala! Tú eres más valiente, más inteligente y más talentosa que lo que alguna vez será la mayoría de la gente he conocido y me resta por conocer en la puta vida; you could never be worthless!

En todos estos años nunca he dudado de que eres capaz de saltar de donde te dé la gana y caer de pie, date un pelín de crédito.

My money's on you, girl, do not let me down!