Monólogo 6. I Reaaally Didn´t Mean To...

Hi. Yes, it´s me, again. Almost 5 years later. And writing in english so you won´t fully understand what I´m trying to say. These are the last words I´ll ever write to you and for me, yes, ironically it is only for me to know. Cuz you really never listen.
I just wanted to say that I didn´t want to end up like this. I didn´t mean to stop wanting you kiss me, or pretend in front of people that I didn´t, and then I really didn´t mean to desperately hope that you, one day, would want to kiss me again. I didn´t mean or expect to run into you yesterday at the play. My play. Our play. The one we saw together 300 times. I didn´t mean to cry after the encounter, that´s for sure. I didn´t mean to make you fall out of love. I didn´t mean to finally realise that I loved you. I didn´t mean to fall inlove with you all over again. I didn´t mean to love you, and I certainly didn´t mean to introduce you as "my boyfriend, oh shit, my ex boyfriend" to my as-of-yesterday ex boyfriend too.

I didn´t mean to contradict myself. I didn´t mean to put you in those very awkard positions. You were never ever good enough, but that´s a very bad habit us women have: choosing precisely that which is absolutely wrong for us. I didn´t mean to lose you. I also didn´t mean to fool my self thinking I actually had you. I didn´t mean to listen to those who´d say you´d be perfect for me. I didn´t mean to misinterpret the signs, back when we first met each other.

I didn´t mean to miss the way you glanced at me from the other corner of a room, and I instantly knew it was time to go home. I didn´t mean to become someone that pushed you away, when all I wanted was that we came closer. I didn´t mean to start considering you as "the one who got away". I didn´t mean to miss all those moments we didn´t have, just beacuse you didn´t want them. I didn´t mean to associate everything around me to you. I never expected you become the first thought in my very cold mornings, and the last thought of every cold night... yes, some of those nights were filled with a stranger´s body, but they were still, excuse me, are still very cold. I didn´t mean to put my dignity and pride before our chance to be happy or my chance to obtain closure. And I didn´t mean to be glad now that I did put myself first.

But sometimes when you are a kid pretending to be a grown up, just like we were back then, you just do things you didn´t mean to do. I don´t mean to apologize to you, you never cared enough to be hurt, hence, you never really had to forgive me. And that´s the burden I´ll deal with by myself, trying to forgive me for doing all those things I didn´t mean to do to begin with.