lunes, 29 de octubre de 2007

Monólogo 6. I Reaaally Didn´t Mean To...

Hi. Yes, it´s me, again. Almost 5 years later. And writing in english so you won´t fully understand what I´m trying to say. These are the last words I´ll ever write to you and for me, yes, ironically it is only for me to know. Cuz you really never listen.
I just wanted to say that I didn´t want to end up like this. I didn´t mean to stop wanting you kiss me, or pretend in front of people that I didn´t, and then I really didn´t mean to desperately hope that you, one day, would want to kiss me again. I didn´t mean or expect to run into you yesterday at the play. My play. Our play. The one we saw together 300 times. I didn´t mean to cry after the encounter, that´s for sure. I didn´t mean to make you fall out of love. I didn´t mean to finally realise that I loved you. I didn´t mean to fall inlove with you all over again. I didn´t mean to love you, and I certainly didn´t mean to introduce you as "my boyfriend, oh shit, my ex boyfriend" to my as-of-yesterday ex boyfriend too.

I didn´t mean to contradict myself. I didn´t mean to put you in those very awkard positions. You were never ever good enough, but that´s a very bad habit us women have: choosing precisely that which is absolutely wrong for us. I didn´t mean to lose you. I also didn´t mean to fool my self thinking I actually had you. I didn´t mean to listen to those who´d say you´d be perfect for me. I didn´t mean to misinterpret the signs, back when we first met each other.

I didn´t mean to miss the way you glanced at me from the other corner of a room, and I instantly knew it was time to go home. I didn´t mean to become someone that pushed you away, when all I wanted was that we came closer. I didn´t mean to start considering you as "the one who got away". I didn´t mean to miss all those moments we didn´t have, just beacuse you didn´t want them. I didn´t mean to associate everything around me to you. I never expected you become the first thought in my very cold mornings, and the last thought of every cold night... yes, some of those nights were filled with a stranger´s body, but they were still, excuse me, are still very cold. I didn´t mean to put my dignity and pride before our chance to be happy or my chance to obtain closure. And I didn´t mean to be glad now that I did put myself first.

But sometimes when you are a kid pretending to be a grown up, just like we were back then, you just do things you didn´t mean to do. I don´t mean to apologize to you, you never cared enough to be hurt, hence, you never really had to forgive me. And that´s the burden I´ll deal with by myself, trying to forgive me for doing all those things I didn´t mean to do to begin with.

5 comentarios:

marcelo pont dijo...

MUCHAS GRACIAS, NINA! y muchas gracias por ayudar a difundir un documento que quizás sea valioso para quienes estén interesados en la dirección de arte o el cine en general.

Beatriz E Moreno dijo...

Bueno yo no se si esto es ficcion o que es lo que es PERO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really didn't mean all that ALSO! jajajaja with someone from my past! jajajaja pero bueno! I guess que o mi vida es una pelicula o en verdad las peliculas simpre son alguien tratando de contar su historia....

Corina dijo...

No sé porque uno es otra persona en el blog. Como que se desnuda verdad?

Te quiero, no hay nada que una reunioncita no pueda arreglar! besos

Laura Strazzaboschi dijo...

Darling, we really need to catch up...

Gracci dijo...

i loved it! AMAZING!