lunes, 10 de octubre de 2011

I´m working for it and it feels kindda good

When I was growing up I never had to work at being good at anything. I passed high school with decent grades and opened veeeery few text books during the process. 

I never had to force myself into learning a dance step. It came naturally to me. It was like breathing, I didn´t have to think about it, it just happened naturally to me. 

I never had to train my body to kick a soccer ball. I just knew where the ball was going to be and how to kick it so it could go where I needed it to be. 

I never had to read ten times to understand what I was reading. I never had to pull an all nighter with a smarter friend because I didn´t understand the subject. I passed most of my classes in college with minimum effort and OK grades. 

I never had to work at being/feeling attractive. I really was. I´ve always felt comfortable in my own skin. I don´t try, I just succeed. I never think about how to pick up the guy. I just let my body do the talking, and if I am thin enough they just fall like flies. And mind you, I have no boobs. 

I never had to work to be good and dancing. And then, age and a knee injury happened. I had to push my body into obeying my brain´s will. I have to do this everyday, or I´ll lose it again. I have to work harder than everybody in my class. The smile on my face and the rush in my veins after I nail the complicated step is totally worth it. 

I never had to make a conscious effort to be in denial. And then, this thing happened to me. I am totally making it work for me. I push and force myself into feeling better, until the day when I finally am. When it´s not a lie anymore.  

I never had to think about my decisions as an actress. And then, I went to class with Elia Schneider. It made me better because I had to work... no, that´s an understatement, I had to break my back and fight and live and breathe and study and try and fail and try again and bust my ass off for it. I had to learn how to react to my impulses and my partner´s. I had to learn how to turn off my brain. I had to listen. I had to be there and let things happen to me. I had to step it up and I´m still working on it. 

I never had to write and rewrite. And then I opened a blog so I could practice. And I became critical and cynical about my words, my style, my way, my grammar. I beat myself up really hard because I really wanted to become a better writer. And I think I am on the right path, or the path that´s right for me anyways. It´s been an amazing journey. 

I never had to work at being funny. And then I started to write a stand up routine. Still on it.

What I want to say is, there is no feeling in this world like finally getting something you worked really hard for. I am not a quitter and I sure as hell ain´t mediocre. I will not rest. I will fight. I will succeed. I will do this. I will be good at it or I will suck, but I will do it. And I´ll keep working really hard to not suck. The risk is too big and I love it. I have everything to lose and that´s what makes it so exciting. 

Life is so much more worth living when it´s a perennial Ithaca. I´ve worked for being more patient my entire life and I finally think I´m grasping the concept. 

1 comentario:

Mariale divagando dijo...

Durante toda mi vida casi todo se me ha hecho fácil, será por eso que nada me importa mucho que digamos, que nada parece valer la pena...

"Life is so much more worth living when it´s a perennial Ithaca"... Creo que tengo un nuevo mantra!

Es en serio, OK? Será mi mantra, vamos a ver qué tal me va.