15

My inability to let go extends to everything in my life. The music I listen to is a very good example of this. I´ve been listening to Adele and Servando and Florentino all day. Once it sticks, it sticks forever. I love the rhymes. The beats. The voices. I love the fact that Adele moves me and touches me and takes me wherever she is emotionally in the song. I love the fact that Servando and Florentino take me to long gone happier times.  

My inability to let go is  an inexorable part of who I am. I carry it with me wherever I go, just like the chicken pox scar in my forehead. It´s there. Hard to notice, but visible if you look at my face closely. As a matter of fact, I´d go to the lengths of saying that it doesn´t make me look worse, but better. They both do, now that I know how to make them work for me.

My inability to let go as quickly as other people do is like the fact I like to read. You won´t be able to tell as soon as I open my mouth, but you will do so five minutes into a conversation. I will drop literary hints here and there to see if people pick them up. Or I will quote something straight from any book. Or you´ll see me reading in traffic or pulling a book out of my purse in very random moments.

My inability to let go is something I have learned to deal with, just like I was self-taught to learn how to walk around life in 1.56 mts. And wear really high heels to compensate. Just like the moment I finally learned to love the body I have instead of envying taller women. When I finished high school I discovered it´s not polite to mislead people and started wearing tennis shoes everywhere during daytime.

My inability to let go is one of the main reasons I still want to be an actress and why I am working harder that ever to see it through, because it disguises itself as stubbornness sometimes.

The truth is that I´ve actually come to enjoy my inability to let go.  I can recall every important moment of pretty much every real or semi relationship and every friendship I have ever had. And while some of those moments might be painful, the others are there, carved in my memory to get me through. Time and experience have taught me how to use my inability in my favor.

The fact that I have this condition, this inability to let go doesn´t mean I am stuck in my past. Quite the opposite: It´s how I learned that the past is the force that pushes and moves me forward, while the future stops and holds me like an invisible wall so I can only be trapped and suspended in my present.