viernes, 8 de marzo de 2013

I am so bored

I asked if he liked me. He didn´t say no. He didn´t say yes, but he didn´t say no. The thing is I knew where I was getting myself into. He said he thought he liked me, but he couldn´t be sure. I said "well, I am 99% sure you like me". He asked how I knew that. "I just know," I replied. He just behaves like he likes me. He just looks at me like he likes me. 

This makes no sense, right? I know it doesn´t. I like it because it doesn´t make sense. I like him because it doesn´t make sense, actually. I like him in a shallow adventurous way. I wouldn´t have put up with him not knowing or saying he liked me if I really liked him. 

Sometimes a guy is just a guy. No feelings need no be attached to them. Liking is Feeling Prep. It doesn´t have to evolve. It could, if one wanted to, but it doesn´t have to go anywhere if you don´t want it to. I know what my limits are and I know his emotional limitations. It´s all good. 

This is not me making excuses for him. This is me coming clean. I have found caring about someone, truuuly caring about someone really hard for the past two years. I had a boyfriend last year and he meant nothing. I barely remembered he was my boyfriend when I had to say it out loud to a friend the other day. It was a very "whowasthat myex what ex just an ex, nothing major" kind of moment. I cried for that guy because my ego was shattered. 

Ironically enough, the woman who taught me how to distinguish ego and love is not my friend anymore, apparently. I had to find out in the least politically correct way of them all. It´s ok. If nothing more, I will always be grateful for what she taught me. It´s a good thing to know the difference. It´s a veeeery good thing to know the difference. I hope her well. 

Funny how one grows out of things? If parting with a friend had happened to me earlier in life, I would have been devastated. I guess I am over that friendly possessiveness I used to carry around with me. I would be sad, hurt and bitter. And when I actually found out I looked for that. Inside me, I looked and searched desperately for sadness, pain and bitterness. Couldn´t find them. I couldn´t find a wounded ego or a wounded soul. I couldn´t find a tear to shed for said friend. I just found relief. Every time this happens, every time a friend is no such thing anymore, I just deal with that and move forward. I hope her the very best and turn to familiar faces for company and loyal friendship or turn to me for isolation and comfort. 

Probably my grief just doesn´t wanna come out and play, like Princess Sophia. That´s fine. You don´t have to be perennially sad, I guess that´s a good thing. 

I think I have grown a lot more than I knew. I matured slowly, but inevitably. My delusional invisibility is not a thing anymore. Well, it´s a thing just when I wanted it to be. I can be happy when I feel happy and I can disguise sadness (or discomfort) much more easily now. I haven´t been sad in a while. 

I missed my friends a lot, but I´ve gotten to see them frequently in the past few months. I am happy with the bonds I have created. 27 year old me should be able to climb in a DeLorean and slap some sense into 22 year old me. Really. Like Drunk me drinks tons of water before going to bed to protect Next Morning me. 

If I had known. If only I had known.